Put It Out There

Saturday, December 27, 2008

In my last post I mentioned some of the things that I enjoy. One of them being writing.

I mentioned that I would maybe post a poem. At the time I wrote that statement I don't know if I actually was going to do it. It has been difficult for me to open up and share anything based on past experiences.

A quick explanation: A few years ago, maybe more that a few, more like six or seven, I was in a relationship with someone whom I thought was my best friend. We used to experience everything together and we really got along well and had a lot of fun. Out of nowhere he began having issues with everything that I did.

All of a sudden I was put under a microscope. He scrutinized everywhere that I went, every dime I spent, and every person that I spent time with. We eventually got into a huge fight about the way he was acting. I really do not like to be controlled by anyone. I value my independence.

He explained away all of his controlling and jealous ways as his own insecurity. He said he had never been with someone like me. He said that he had trust issues because of his previous relationships. He agreed to be less controlling and I accepted his attempt to change.

One evening during our "working on it" stage we went to a bar to have a few drinks and shoot some pool. The evening was going well and we were interacting in a positive way. We lost the table and had to wait a round to play another game. In the meantime, we were sitting at a table in a corner of the pool room just talking about random things.

Out of nowhere, he bought up an ex-boyfriend. The ex that he was referring to was someone that I had remained close with after we split. We were great friends and it was a mutual decision to go separate ways romantically. I was always open about the relationship with my current boyfriend.

He started going on and on about how he knew I was in love with my ex and that I was a "fucking lying whore". He was very hostile. We literally went from having a quite conversation about this and that, to him screaming at me and calling me expletives in the bar. By this time I was screaming back at him and asking him what the fuck he was talking about.

He proceeded to tell me that he went digging through my things one afternoon while I was running errands. He came across my journals (I have a backpack full of them) and decided to start reading. He said he knew all of my "secrets".

My jaw just hit the floor. All of my personal thoughts and feelings had been taken from me. My heart literally sank at that moment. I felt like everything had been taken away from me in an instant.

Turns out he had read journal entries from about a year or so before we had gotten together. The particular sections that he had read dealt with my ex. My current boyfriend apparently did not understand the concept of dates. If he had he would have realized that the entries he had read were not current and were written before I even knew him. I guess he couldn't handle knowing how much I had loved someone else. I guess he shouldn't have been sticking his nose where it didn't belong then. Idiot.

Sounds silly, but that event was so traumatic for my sense of trust, that I still have a difficult time writing anything that I am thinking. I am always thinking in the back of my head that someone is going to read what I was thinking or feeling and twist it into something to use against me.

Needless to say, that relationship died that day. He couldn't understand why.

So after my long-winded attempt to give you a quick explanation regarding my fear of sharing, here is a poem I wrote over ten years ago. Wow, that makes me feel old. :) I have decided to put it out there and see what happens.

This particular poem has nothing to do with the above mentioned characters. However, it was definitely another painful period in my life.


This isn't happening.
This can't be happening.
-Get away!

Heavy pressure.
-Try harder!

Hand over mouth.
-Try to breathe... BITE!

Steady rhythm now.
-Please stop.

Sick little smile.

Contorted in pleasure.
-Drops of sweat.


Blah Today

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I am so blah today. Well, maybe not just today, but for a little while now.
This time of year always does that to me. It is very "wintry" outside to say the least. I hate being kept indoors.

Not only am I blah about being stuck inside, but I am stressed about the holidays as usual. I never feel like I am done shopping. It feels so much like a chore sometimes. The real meaning behind the holidays gets lost within all the nonsense. Why can't we all just get together and enjoy being with one another as opposed to getting together to enjoy material gifts?

I'm also blah because I am bored. Not being able to go outside cuts me off from the majority of my favorite things to do. Of course, I still have reading and writing and monster making and blogging and music. Shouldn't that be enough? It sounds like it should be.

I like to do too many things at once. I never keep with one hobby long enough. I love to read but haven't read a whole book for probably six months now. Time never seems to allow it. Or I am too tired.

I love to write. I used to write poetry all the time (maybe I'll post some here) and keep journals. I used to write at least once a day. I had an incident years ago where someone I trusted read my journals. I was upset. Not because of what was read but because it was supposed to be private. He later used my journal entries against me when he would pick fights with me. He would use my own thoughts against me as if I had done something wrong. Fucking asshole.

I like making monsters. I have actually been doing that quite a bit lately. I am gaining quite the horde of the little suckers. I am in the process of making one for a lady I work with. I hope she likes it.

Then there is blogging. I'm not on as much as I should be. I can still keep this blog going. I am having a difficult time with my other blog since it is primarily about geocaching. Wisconsin winters are making my geocaching somewhat complicated.

Then there is music. I love it. I couldn't survive without it. Thank god for iTunes! :)

Who knows, maybe I am just happy complaining right now. That is kind of what it feels like anyway.

Only two days left of work and then I am on vacation. Whoo Hoo! Hopefully I'll be out of my funk by then.

Life Is What You Make It

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. I wish you would have been more of a role model to me when I was growing up. Over the past few years we have become close. I am glad that we have the relationship that we do today. I just wish you had been more available back then. Maybe I would be more available today if you had.

2. I love you. You are my best friend. I have always been able to be myself around you. I have been mad at you lately for the way you have treated me. I feel left out and betrayed. I am afraid that you are going down a path that will end our relationship. I don't know how to intervene without damaging what we have. I love you so much but I am afraid that some day it will all be gone and there is nothing that I can do about it.

3. I wish we were as close as we were when I was younger. I looked up to you and still do. You are my hero. You had such a big hand in making me who I am today. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always allowing me to do whatever I wanted, even if you knew I was going to fall on my ass. You always let me learn the hard way. I have definitely learned the hard way. I am thankful for that. I love you so much.

4. We have done everything together. We are getting older and we don't see each other as much as we used to or as much as we should. I sometimes wonder if we keep in touch because we want to or because we should. Both of have changed so much in the last five years. I don't really know you all that well anymore even though I act like I do. I know that you don't know me very well anymore either. I don't know that you ever did. I have always wanted to be more open with you but I know you will talk about it behind my back. Hopefully someday our interactions will be genuine.

5. We always got along so well. When did you become so flaky? You blow me off for weeks at a time but expect me to jump every time you call. You don't mean anything to me anymore. I think when we had our falling out it was for the right reasons. The only reason I decided to contact you so long after it happened was because I some how blamed myself for it. I think that calling you that day was a mistake. Maybe things would have been better left unsaid.

6. I love, love, love, you! I love you so much! You are too young to comprehend these emotions, but someday I hope you will know. You are surrounded by people who love and care for you. I think that you are beautiful and amazing and just watching you makes me happy. I miss you when you are not around. I can't wait to give you a big hug and a kiss next time I see you. Your future is bright. I can't wait to watch your story unfold. It's going to be a good one.

7. I fucking despise you. There are not enough words that can express just how much I hate you. I hate you so much that I could wish bad things upon you all day long. Lucky for you I believe in karma. Some day all the shitty things that you have done to me will come back to you. All the shitty things that you said to me will come back to you. Some day someone is going to do all the fucking awful things that you did to me, to you. Some day, you will understand what a fucking piece of shit you are. Nobody gives a shit about your bullshit stories and your fucking lies. I'll bet you can't even tell which stories are true anymore. The day I saw you lie right to your "friend" made me sick. You lied for no reason. You lied to someone that you called a friend for no reason. And it was a stupid pointless lie! I don't know how you live with yourself. I hate you for making me have hate. You are the only person in the world that I truly HATE. I hate, hate, hate you.

8. I wish that things would have been different between us. I know that we were too young. You and I really had something special, a special connection. I am mad at myself for letting our friendship go. You are an amazing person. It makes me sad that I am no longer in your life. We have had minimal contact over the last few years. I know that your life is going well and things are in order. I want to get to know you again, but I wont because I do not want to disrupt what you have. I have a feeling that I will never actually see or speak to you ever again. I hope you have a wonderful life.

9. I love you but I hate the things that you do to people. Just this evening I saw you do something shitty to someone that you care about. I don't understand how you don't see the wrong in the things that you do. They are wrong on all levels. Legally and morally being the big ones. You are a taker. That is all you will ever be. I wish that you weren't this way. I wish we could have the normal amazing relationship that we should have. I wonder if you know that I don't trust you to be alone in my house.

10. Someday you will be who you want to be. Stay focused. You can do it. I know you can.

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I love to take photographs.
2. My two favorite things are Alara and ice cream.
3. My favorite place in the world is Utah.
4. I hate #$%… You know who you are.
5. I love music and dancing.
6. I have a disease that makes me feel ugly.
7. I love the letter C.
8. My feet are always cold.
9. I love the outdoors.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. Don't try to control me.
2. Have a sense of humor.
3. Make time to talk with me.
4. Accept that I am a veggie lover.
5. Don’t be afraid of trying new things.
6. Cook me dinner.
7. Be thoughtful, it's the little things that count.
8. Be completely comfortable just laying around sometimes.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:

1. How am I gonna get some more money.
2. I wish I was outside.
3. CCCC.
4. Alara
5. I wonder if there are germs on my hands.
6. I hope nothing bad is happening at work.
7. I need chocolate.

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. Got married so young.
2. Married the wrong guy.
3. Let a good friend go.
4. Let a guy control my life.
5. Started smoking.
6. Lying about my disease for so long.

Five Turn Offs:

1. Bad hygiene
2. Invading my personal space.
3. Being uptight.
4. Being lazy
5. Arrogance.

Four Turn Ons:

1. Charm
2. Great smile.
3. Stories to share.
4. Bedroom eyes.

Three Words That Describe Your Life:

1. Hectic
2. Adventurous
3. Incomplete

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. See the world.
2. Make a difference.

One Belief:

1. Life is what you make it.

On A Brighter Note..

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I figured that since today is Thanksgiving I could lighten up a bit. Here are some of the things that I am Thankful for.

I am thankful for my parents. Though we did not get along well in my younger years, we are like old friends now. It is clear how much they love me now, and how much they loved me then, even if I did not want them to. I am so glad to have them in my life.

I am thankful for my sister. I have been severely judgmental of some of the choices she has made and the direction that those choices have taken her life. I should not be this way. She is probably doing the same thing to herself and I shouldn't be making her struggles any more difficult. We have become better friends lately and I am thankful for that. My sister also gave our family a little girl, my niece, whom happens to be another love in my life. My heart swells just thinking about her smiling face. I love watching her grow up.

I am thankful for my relationship. Though it has its moments at times like all relationships do, I can appreciate it more because of what I had to go through to get here. My prior relationships were all built on shaky foundations and big hopes and dreams that would never be realized. I can be myself in my relationship. Though this relationship has been going on for over two decades and in the past four years has bloomed into a loving relationship, I am just now building up the courage to fully realize myself. I find this fact to be amusing. I have grown up with my best friend who is now my boyfriend, and I still have a hard time totally expressing myself. I'm getting there.

I am thankful for my past experiences. Without them I do not know who I would be today. I made some poor decisions that deeply affected my well-being. I am thankful that I found strength within myself to remove myself from bad situations. The day I walked away may have been the most liberated I have ever felt in my life. I still remember how I felt. Thinking about it now makes me want to cry. I have never been more proud of myself than on that day. That day also happened to be the day when my parents showed me just how far they were willing to go to ensure my happiness. Whatever needed to be done would be. Thank you. I love you guys.

Lastly, I am thankful for nature. Sounds cheesy but being outside is the only real place that I feel really peaceful. I can go for a stroll or a hike, I can take a good book to the park, I can bring a blanket and gaze at far away galaxies. I can smell the impending storm and sleep heavily from the sound of the rain. I can catch a snowflake on my mitten, I can hear complete silence in the woods during the snowfall, I can ski or make snow angels. I can splash in puddles in April, I can smell the Tulips outside my window, I can fear the hail. I can breathe the crisp Autumn air, I can see vibrant displays of color in the trees, I can feel everything beginning anew. I love the outdoors.

Hairy People..

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Over the past few years I have become very cynical. It was recently that I realized just how bad I have become.
I honestly have a hard time believing that there are genuine people left in the world. I know that making a generalization like that is not fair. Unfortunately, the career that I am in showcases the worst things about people. I see the bad things all day long.
It amazes me on a daily basis just how self-centered and unbelievably rude people can be. Everyday I listen to complaining and whining. I listen to people berate my coworkers. Profanity is usually also included, free of charge.
The part that makes it unbelievable to me is that these people act the way that they do out of pure selfishness. It really is an ugly thing. It's all about me, me, me, me, me, me, and me.
Nothing is ever good enough. EVER.
Speaking of whining and complaining, that's what I am doing now. No different I suppose. Except for the fact that I am not ruining someones day.
Hey, if you don't like what you are reading, close it out.

Anyway, what got me to this point was my new haircut. Nothing too fancy or too flashy. I like to keep my hair long. I kind of look like a boy with short hair. Not my thing.
So my new haircut literally consisted of a trim and (gasp) bangs! I know, bangs. What the hell? I haven't had bangs in probably 15 years or so, why not change it up a little bit?
It has taken me a bit of time to adjust to it, since I still don't recognize myself in the mirror. I look younger. Much younger. It's frickin awesome.
This is where I get to my complaining about people. People that I see often have quite the reaction to this haircut. They either A) Love it, or B) Hate it, but don't have the balls to say so.
What the hell is that?! When did it become so difficult to just say what you mean? Don't give some weird-ass look and then wonder why it is that I am giving you one right back. If you like it, thanks. If not, hey, you're entitled to your opinion.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. I did it for me, not you. If you don't like the way I look then turn your head.
Thanks, have a nice day.

The American Dream is Dead...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

So for the better part of 2008 I have been researching real estate. I have been looking through hundreds of pages of potential properties looking for "the one".

About a month and a half ago I found "the one". It is a cute quad-level in a nice neighborhood. It has a large, landscaped, fenced backyard that I had envisioned spending much time in. The home had large shade trees and a deck off the master bedroom which would have been nice to spend evenings on gazing at the stars.

I was ready to buy and went to my lender for pre-approval. I got pre-approved and was ready to go. For good measure I looked at other properties so that I would not feel like I made a bad decision.

I had a look-see at some others and still felt like "the one" really was just that. I made an offer. I waited to hear back. To my surprise I did not hear back from the seller, but from my lender. My loan officer was calling to give me some bad news. In a short amount of time, a week and a half, the loan rates had completely changed. I would now be paying a riduculos interest rate and of course would also need a much heftier down payment. NO WAY.

That was not going to happen. The only way for this whole deal to work out was if the seller was willing to significantly drop the price.

That did not happen.

So no house for me.