So Much to Say

Monday, July 13, 2009

So much to say...

It has been awhile since my last post. I feel like I never have the time to get anything done. I am always busy with something it seems. When do we ever get a break? Or, when do we allow ourselves one?

So much has changed in my life in the last few months I am not sure where to begin....

I ended my long-term relationship and moved into a little apartment. It has taken me sometime to adjust here. I am still not fully unpacked after nearly three months and everyday I come home it still feels a little off. Like I am supposed to be at my old place, in my old relationship, doing my same old routine.

I am still not sure how I am feeling about the whole thing. Ending the relationship was my idea. A break was not only inevitable but needed. We couldn't go on that way any longer. If we had things would be a whole lot worse between us. All things considered the break was fairly clean, not a lot of the typical break-up stuff. No fighting and cursing and crying and all of that. Just a mutual understanding that it was what needed to be done. That is definitely a new experience for me.

The good news is I am getting out more and meeting new people and having new experiences. That was something that I was definitely lacking in my life. I felt so cooped up and trapped in the house all the time. Now I feel free. Sometimes too free. It has been so long since I have felt free enough to do the things that I want to do that sometimes I don't know what those things are anymore.

I hope to figure it out. I guess this is just another leg in my journey of life...

Here's That Update

Monday, April 27, 2009


So, waited for a whole agonizing month to get to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. The day finally arrived. I went in and had my biopsy done and had to wait another agonizing week to get the biopsy results back. The results, not malignant. YAY!

The bad news, it's not malignant, yet. :( Such a bummer. It is good news that I don't have to worry about it right now, but somewhere down the line I might have to. My doctor said that since it was caught early it will be easier to monitor and keep an eye on. I have to go in every three to six months to have a biopsy done. Doc told me not to worry.

How can I not worry when I have to go in every few months to make sure that it hasn't turned on me? Seems like a silly request. But, he is the expert here not me, so I am going to do my best to not let this put a damper on my life.

I can't believe that I am actually going to say this, but this has almost been a good experience for me. What I mean is, this whole thing has really made me appreciate even more the life that I have. All the things that I want to do feel so much more obtainable to me now because I feel like I owe it to myself to be the best me I can, while I can. I think the expression is: live like you were dying. I know it sounds a bit macabre, but this scare has lit a fire in me. I'm already thinking about moving and making a career change. I am feeling giddy and excited like I am embarking on a new adventure. I can't explain it.

All I know is that I want to change everything that I am unhappy with in my life right now. I'm looking forward to the future so much right now even though the light on the horizon is dim. The closer I get, the brighter it will become.

I really feel like this whole event has been some sort of major turning point for me. I guess I'll have to wait and see.....

Update Soon

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I will have an update soon...

I have been absent for awhile....

Maybe later today.

There was some good news...


Another Day in Paradise

Friday, April 3, 2009

So I haven't posted since my birthday.

A lot has happened since then. I would love to say that my positive outlook would have stuck around but hey, no one really expected my moodiness to subside forever did they?

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Not all bad, thankfully. Some good and some bad. Let's start with the bad and get that out of the way so we can finish strong.

I got a call from my doctor's office. They need me to come in to do some tests. Some tests meaning a biopsy. The doctor is concerned that I may have the big C. That news hit like a ton of bricks. I'm proud of myself for only breaking down into tears three times since I heard that news last week. I'm sure there will be a few more breakdowns before I get results back. So, I am crossing my fingers and saying a few prayers.

OK, (exhale) , that was the worst of it but not all of it.

So with the fear of real bad news coming from my doctor hanging over my head all week, my boss decided to ruin my weekend. I was trying to stay positive about what is going to happen to me medically, and I was actually having a good week work-wise. I was until about 5 pm today. My boss tells me on my way out the door that I need to start thinking about thinning out my staff.

Thanks for ruining my weekend by letting me know that I may have to ruin some one's life by telling them that they are going to be out of a job. Let them know that they are going to be out of a job in this shit economy. Tell them that they are out of a job in an area where jobs are a rarity. Pick one to go. How? How do I pick one to go? I am already short-staffed as it is, and now I have to cut someone out. This really upsets me. I just don't possess the big-business attitude. I'm not that heartless and cut-throat. But I will be reminded that it's just business. What the bureaucrats don't understand is that it is not "just business" it's "just some one's livelihood". That's all. Nothing big.

(Big exhale) All right, on to some good news. I have been making more time for myself lately. I have been relaxing more. I picked up a book and actually read more than a few pages for the last two nights. I have been trying to let things happen naturally instead of trying to force everything. I forgot how much easier life is when you just let it play out sometimes. I have to remember that I don't need to force my life in a particular direction. I just have to guide it in the direction I want it to go. I am hopeful.

That leads me to my next bit of good news. I have been working on my photography and have started working on my photoblog. It still has a long way to go, but I am so glad to have an outlet. Whether it's any good or not has yet to be determined, but I am pleased so far. That's all that matters.

My last bit of good news is I get to see my niece tomorrow. Hanging out with a 2 1/2 year old will be the highlight of my day. I can't wait. :-)

Hope everyone is well.


Getting Older

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sunday was my birthday. The big "30".

In the months leading up to this birthday milestone I often thought about how much I did not want the day to come. How dreadful to no longer be in my twenties, to be, middle-aged.

I was so worried about having another birthday. I was worried that now that I am no longer in my twenties, people will think I am old. I am no longer in the young bracket, part of the fun crowd. But then I had my birthday.

This birthday brought me two things that I had really really wanted. The first was to spend my birthday with people I loved. They all threw me a surprise party with balloons and confetti and noise and photos and lots and lots of hugs from my niece. The second thing that I really wanted was material, a new camera. The camera that I have been eyeing for more than a year. YAY! This was a great birthday for me and I felt almost guilty afterward for going into it with such negativity.

I realized that this birthday should not be looked upon as the end of the good times, but as a new beginning. Who says life can't begin at 30? Hell, most of my twenties was pissed away anyhow. I should use this milestone as a starting point. A new beginning; and I am trying.

I am trying to be more positive in my thinking. I am trying to stop and think before I react.

I can't wait to get going with my thirties. Who knows where this decade could take me. This could be the best decade of my life.

I am so ready for it.

Get Over It...

Monday, February 16, 2009


I need to get over it. The majority of this blog has been nothing but me writing about the grey cloud that I bring with me everywhere that I go.

I rarely write about anything positive and when I do I usually find something wrong with that too. I keep saying that I want this shitty mood to end and that I want to be happier and not so bummed out all the time. The first thing that I need to do then is stop complaining and do something about it.

Oh, this does not mean that my problems will dissolve and I will break into a pathetic version of Kumbaya. Oh no. It just means that maybe if I start trying to be more positive my life will kind of flow along in that direction. So that is what I'm going to do.

So I'm going to try and get life flowing in the right direction. Goodbye grey cloud, hello sunshine.

Here goes nothin...


Same Old Doom & Gloom

Thursday, January 29, 2009

This bad mood.

I have been in this bad mood for too long now. It has really become tiring. When does it end?

I should mention that earlier this week I was feeling good. I was upbeat and positive and trying to cheer everyone else up.

But now, back to the usual bad mood.

I wish I could say why this cloud hovers over me. I guess it must enjoy being around me. I imagine that because of this cloud no one else enjoys being around me though. lol

I think my job is what keeps me under this cloud. But then, I keep myself at my job so I guess I have to take responsibility for the cloud.

I wish that I had the ability to let things roll off my back when they don't really matter. I also wish for the ability to confront things that do matter.

There is something other than work that has been bothering me lately.

A person that I am close to has an addiction. I think. All the classic signs of addiction are there, but an unconventional addiction it is. See, this person is addicted to the computer. Or, to be more specific, to an MMORPG (Massively Multi-player Online Role Playing Game).

Over the last year or so, this person has completely given up all social activities, rarely sees friends, has developed a fear of social situations, and places a high value on achievements that have happened in the game. This person no longer has achievements in real life. It is like the real world is no longer important and the virtual one is.

This game, has affected all of this person's social contacts. Including me.

I am getting to the point now, where I am considering cutting ties.
I have discussed my concerns with this person several times, but my concerns are brushed aside and ignored.

So now what do I do? I think this person needs help. Unfortunately, I am not listened to.

I am at a loss. How do I know when a relationship can be salvaged or not? I barely see or interact with this person anymore because the majority of the day's hours are spent online.
The majority meaning up to 16. I want a relationship with this person, but I cannot seem to take back my place of importance any longer.

This is breaking my heart every single day.

Anyone here have any advice?

I would appreciate it.


More Bad News...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I am glad the week is over. It was a bad one.

It is difficult to go back to work after having 11 days off. Towards the end of my vacation I really started embracing my laziness. :-) When things are rough at work, going back after a normal weekend is hard, going back after 11 days is torture.

I was struggling to play catch-up and try to keep a positive attitude about being back. I was doing all right with that facade until Wednesday morning.

Each morning in an attempt to be proactive, I go through my e-mails from home while I eat my usual breakfast of Kashi. On Wednesday, as usual, I was checking e-mails and sending responses and delegating tasks when I saw an urgent e-mail from my boss. The urgent e-mails that I typically get from him are usually intended for someone else to read with urgency, as I am typically just one of the "CC'd".

Not on Wednesday though. As I opened the e-mail and began to read, I felt emotion well up into my chest and throat. The e-mail was a forward from the executive staff stating that they were implementing a wage reduction. Not good news. Now I understand that this letter could have been worse. It could have said that the doors were going to close. It would not have been terribly surprising given the economic situation. But for me, a wage reduction really hits hard.

This news makes life difficult for me in a few ways. The first being the obvious one, which is, of course, that it puts a dent in my wallet. I have been working on a budget the last few days. A budget is something I should have done a long time ago. In addition, I am already working on a plan on what things are expendable should the need present itself. I hope it does not come down to that.

The other reason that this news makes my life difficult is the people I work with. I worry for some of them. I have been known as a bit of worrier. I partially worry about myself, and I always worry about others. It's just one of the things I do. I know I shouldn't worry for everyone else. Sometimes, like now though, I can't help it.

I am the H.R. contact in my location. People come to me with all kinds of problems and I try to help them resolve their issues. It could be a discrepancy with their vacation time, a need for more information about insurance benefits, or issues with fellow coworkers. I am sort of like the resident diplomat.

Any way, so I digested the news of a wage reduction along with my Kashi and headed into work. When I got there my boss wanted a meeting with myself and the other manager that was there at the time. The meeting was about the reduction and why it was happening and what we were going to do about it. In my head I was already preparing my speech as to how to break the news to my employees and other coworkers. When I asked when we were going to tell everyone, I was told that we were not telling anyone. Huh? Not telling?

We were informed that letters were being sent to every employee's home outlining the reduction and the need for it. I asked if we could tell them face-to-face, and I was told no. That irked me.

I was irked when I found out in an e-mail. How was everyone else going to feel when they found out in a letter? I don't like feeling like a sneak. I don't like hiding things from people especially when I know that it is going to impact them in a big way. I think face-to-face would have been a better delivery method for this type of news.

The news was not supposed to break until Wednesday night when people were getting home and checking their mailboxes. Of course, there were plenty of workers who work first shift and they got home to find their letters waiting for them. Employees started calling and employees spouse's began calling them and then they were calling us. It was a big cluster fu$k. Most of the employees that were still at work were getting the news second and third-hand so the whole thing got twisted around and rumors started to fly. I spent the majority of my Wednesday and Thursday dispelling rumors and trying to justify the reduction to everyone.

I know that we will all get through this somehow. We are not the only ones going through this struggle. If anything, we are the lucky ones. We still have jobs. For now. I just hope that we can all pull together and make things work. It is hard to keep morale up when people are constantly being pushed down. I just wish I knew how to make things better.

Trying to bring people up all the time is hard when you also feel defeated. One week back at work after a vacation and I am already exhausted. Boy, that didn't take long did it?