Put It Out There

Saturday, December 27, 2008

In my last post I mentioned some of the things that I enjoy. One of them being writing.

I mentioned that I would maybe post a poem. At the time I wrote that statement I don't know if I actually was going to do it. It has been difficult for me to open up and share anything based on past experiences.

A quick explanation: A few years ago, maybe more that a few, more like six or seven, I was in a relationship with someone whom I thought was my best friend. We used to experience everything together and we really got along well and had a lot of fun. Out of nowhere he began having issues with everything that I did.

All of a sudden I was put under a microscope. He scrutinized everywhere that I went, every dime I spent, and every person that I spent time with. We eventually got into a huge fight about the way he was acting. I really do not like to be controlled by anyone. I value my independence.

He explained away all of his controlling and jealous ways as his own insecurity. He said he had never been with someone like me. He said that he had trust issues because of his previous relationships. He agreed to be less controlling and I accepted his attempt to change.

One evening during our "working on it" stage we went to a bar to have a few drinks and shoot some pool. The evening was going well and we were interacting in a positive way. We lost the table and had to wait a round to play another game. In the meantime, we were sitting at a table in a corner of the pool room just talking about random things.

Out of nowhere, he bought up an ex-boyfriend. The ex that he was referring to was someone that I had remained close with after we split. We were great friends and it was a mutual decision to go separate ways romantically. I was always open about the relationship with my current boyfriend.

He started going on and on about how he knew I was in love with my ex and that I was a "fucking lying whore". He was very hostile. We literally went from having a quite conversation about this and that, to him screaming at me and calling me expletives in the bar. By this time I was screaming back at him and asking him what the fuck he was talking about.

He proceeded to tell me that he went digging through my things one afternoon while I was running errands. He came across my journals (I have a backpack full of them) and decided to start reading. He said he knew all of my "secrets".

My jaw just hit the floor. All of my personal thoughts and feelings had been taken from me. My heart literally sank at that moment. I felt like everything had been taken away from me in an instant.

Turns out he had read journal entries from about a year or so before we had gotten together. The particular sections that he had read dealt with my ex. My current boyfriend apparently did not understand the concept of dates. If he had he would have realized that the entries he had read were not current and were written before I even knew him. I guess he couldn't handle knowing how much I had loved someone else. I guess he shouldn't have been sticking his nose where it didn't belong then. Idiot.

Sounds silly, but that event was so traumatic for my sense of trust, that I still have a difficult time writing anything that I am thinking. I am always thinking in the back of my head that someone is going to read what I was thinking or feeling and twist it into something to use against me.

Needless to say, that relationship died that day. He couldn't understand why.

So after my long-winded attempt to give you a quick explanation regarding my fear of sharing, here is a poem I wrote over ten years ago. Wow, that makes me feel old. :) I have decided to put it out there and see what happens.

This particular poem has nothing to do with the above mentioned characters. However, it was definitely another painful period in my life.

"Untitled"

This isn't happening.
This can't be happening.
-Get away!

Heavy pressure.
-Try harder!

Hand over mouth.
-Try to breathe... BITE!

Steady rhythm now.
-Please stop.

Sick little smile.

Contorted in pleasure.
-Drops of sweat.

-Defeated

10 comments:

LORENZO said...

You should be glad that the loser read your journals. It enabled you to get rid of him. Once you start sharing your ideas and words, it will become easier. It even became needed for me with my writing. And not all things that you write have to be totally true or to have happened. Don't hold back, let it all out!

~A~ said...

Hey Lorenzo~

Thanks for your comments. I am hoping that this blog will help me open up a little. I am trying to change my P.O.V.
:)

Linda S. Socha said...

Keep Writing....A
Hugs
Linda

paulwchambers said...

A, very honest post - brought back a lot of memories.

Jealousy is a fucking disease as opposed to love being a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they're almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil - as you well know

looking forward to sharing a little of your journey...

~A~ said...

Paul~

Very well said. Many other things came to light after that incident. He was never who I thought he was.
I always find it amusing how clear the big picture is after you have left the situation.
It always makes me wish I could have seen it all along.
Thanks for comments, you are absolutely right.

paulwchambers said...

Hindsight provides new eyes...

:)

Leon Basin said...

That is a great post!

christopher said...

Yes. I'm with Linda. Keep writing. I have no advice at all on the relationship deal, but the poem is just the right combination of saying and not saying. So considering that it is a very touchy subject and happened and was written in the past, and considering as well how you write so clearly, there should be no problem but the obvious one.

The obvious problem is in order to write, you have to write, words words words. More words. Find the ways of them for you as signs, as symbols, as lies, as truth, as myths that tell higher truths. This can't happen without a million and more words written at the top end of your willingness.

Exposure without giving a shit. You have plenty of wonderful examples, far more than ever happened before, because we all get to publish now.

Thanks for signing on at Northern Wall.

~A~ said...

Christopher~

Thanks for stopping by.

I'm going to keep on writing, it is getting easier.

Gotta just let go...

:)

~A~

Truck Stop Rewrite said...

so A
i love this poem of pain
so sorry that the real surfaced in it. but it all will come out thru writing. great post...