Put It Out There

Saturday, December 27, 2008

In my last post I mentioned some of the things that I enjoy. One of them being writing.

I mentioned that I would maybe post a poem. At the time I wrote that statement I don't know if I actually was going to do it. It has been difficult for me to open up and share anything based on past experiences.

A quick explanation: A few years ago, maybe more that a few, more like six or seven, I was in a relationship with someone whom I thought was my best friend. We used to experience everything together and we really got along well and had a lot of fun. Out of nowhere he began having issues with everything that I did.

All of a sudden I was put under a microscope. He scrutinized everywhere that I went, every dime I spent, and every person that I spent time with. We eventually got into a huge fight about the way he was acting. I really do not like to be controlled by anyone. I value my independence.

He explained away all of his controlling and jealous ways as his own insecurity. He said he had never been with someone like me. He said that he had trust issues because of his previous relationships. He agreed to be less controlling and I accepted his attempt to change.

One evening during our "working on it" stage we went to a bar to have a few drinks and shoot some pool. The evening was going well and we were interacting in a positive way. We lost the table and had to wait a round to play another game. In the meantime, we were sitting at a table in a corner of the pool room just talking about random things.

Out of nowhere, he bought up an ex-boyfriend. The ex that he was referring to was someone that I had remained close with after we split. We were great friends and it was a mutual decision to go separate ways romantically. I was always open about the relationship with my current boyfriend.

He started going on and on about how he knew I was in love with my ex and that I was a "fucking lying whore". He was very hostile. We literally went from having a quite conversation about this and that, to him screaming at me and calling me expletives in the bar. By this time I was screaming back at him and asking him what the fuck he was talking about.

He proceeded to tell me that he went digging through my things one afternoon while I was running errands. He came across my journals (I have a backpack full of them) and decided to start reading. He said he knew all of my "secrets".

My jaw just hit the floor. All of my personal thoughts and feelings had been taken from me. My heart literally sank at that moment. I felt like everything had been taken away from me in an instant.

Turns out he had read journal entries from about a year or so before we had gotten together. The particular sections that he had read dealt with my ex. My current boyfriend apparently did not understand the concept of dates. If he had he would have realized that the entries he had read were not current and were written before I even knew him. I guess he couldn't handle knowing how much I had loved someone else. I guess he shouldn't have been sticking his nose where it didn't belong then. Idiot.

Sounds silly, but that event was so traumatic for my sense of trust, that I still have a difficult time writing anything that I am thinking. I am always thinking in the back of my head that someone is going to read what I was thinking or feeling and twist it into something to use against me.

Needless to say, that relationship died that day. He couldn't understand why.

So after my long-winded attempt to give you a quick explanation regarding my fear of sharing, here is a poem I wrote over ten years ago. Wow, that makes me feel old. :) I have decided to put it out there and see what happens.

This particular poem has nothing to do with the above mentioned characters. However, it was definitely another painful period in my life.


This isn't happening.
This can't be happening.
-Get away!

Heavy pressure.
-Try harder!

Hand over mouth.
-Try to breathe... BITE!

Steady rhythm now.
-Please stop.

Sick little smile.

Contorted in pleasure.
-Drops of sweat.


Blah Today

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I am so blah today. Well, maybe not just today, but for a little while now.
This time of year always does that to me. It is very "wintry" outside to say the least. I hate being kept indoors.

Not only am I blah about being stuck inside, but I am stressed about the holidays as usual. I never feel like I am done shopping. It feels so much like a chore sometimes. The real meaning behind the holidays gets lost within all the nonsense. Why can't we all just get together and enjoy being with one another as opposed to getting together to enjoy material gifts?

I'm also blah because I am bored. Not being able to go outside cuts me off from the majority of my favorite things to do. Of course, I still have reading and writing and monster making and blogging and music. Shouldn't that be enough? It sounds like it should be.

I like to do too many things at once. I never keep with one hobby long enough. I love to read but haven't read a whole book for probably six months now. Time never seems to allow it. Or I am too tired.

I love to write. I used to write poetry all the time (maybe I'll post some here) and keep journals. I used to write at least once a day. I had an incident years ago where someone I trusted read my journals. I was upset. Not because of what was read but because it was supposed to be private. He later used my journal entries against me when he would pick fights with me. He would use my own thoughts against me as if I had done something wrong. Fucking asshole.

I like making monsters. I have actually been doing that quite a bit lately. I am gaining quite the horde of the little suckers. I am in the process of making one for a lady I work with. I hope she likes it.

Then there is blogging. I'm not on as much as I should be. I can still keep this blog going. I am having a difficult time with my other blog since it is primarily about geocaching. Wisconsin winters are making my geocaching somewhat complicated.

Then there is music. I love it. I couldn't survive without it. Thank god for iTunes! :)

Who knows, maybe I am just happy complaining right now. That is kind of what it feels like anyway.

Only two days left of work and then I am on vacation. Whoo Hoo! Hopefully I'll be out of my funk by then.

Life Is What You Make It

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. I wish you would have been more of a role model to me when I was growing up. Over the past few years we have become close. I am glad that we have the relationship that we do today. I just wish you had been more available back then. Maybe I would be more available today if you had.

2. I love you. You are my best friend. I have always been able to be myself around you. I have been mad at you lately for the way you have treated me. I feel left out and betrayed. I am afraid that you are going down a path that will end our relationship. I don't know how to intervene without damaging what we have. I love you so much but I am afraid that some day it will all be gone and there is nothing that I can do about it.

3. I wish we were as close as we were when I was younger. I looked up to you and still do. You are my hero. You had such a big hand in making me who I am today. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for always allowing me to do whatever I wanted, even if you knew I was going to fall on my ass. You always let me learn the hard way. I have definitely learned the hard way. I am thankful for that. I love you so much.

4. We have done everything together. We are getting older and we don't see each other as much as we used to or as much as we should. I sometimes wonder if we keep in touch because we want to or because we should. Both of have changed so much in the last five years. I don't really know you all that well anymore even though I act like I do. I know that you don't know me very well anymore either. I don't know that you ever did. I have always wanted to be more open with you but I know you will talk about it behind my back. Hopefully someday our interactions will be genuine.

5. We always got along so well. When did you become so flaky? You blow me off for weeks at a time but expect me to jump every time you call. You don't mean anything to me anymore. I think when we had our falling out it was for the right reasons. The only reason I decided to contact you so long after it happened was because I some how blamed myself for it. I think that calling you that day was a mistake. Maybe things would have been better left unsaid.

6. I love, love, love, you! I love you so much! You are too young to comprehend these emotions, but someday I hope you will know. You are surrounded by people who love and care for you. I think that you are beautiful and amazing and just watching you makes me happy. I miss you when you are not around. I can't wait to give you a big hug and a kiss next time I see you. Your future is bright. I can't wait to watch your story unfold. It's going to be a good one.

7. I fucking despise you. There are not enough words that can express just how much I hate you. I hate you so much that I could wish bad things upon you all day long. Lucky for you I believe in karma. Some day all the shitty things that you have done to me will come back to you. All the shitty things that you said to me will come back to you. Some day someone is going to do all the fucking awful things that you did to me, to you. Some day, you will understand what a fucking piece of shit you are. Nobody gives a shit about your bullshit stories and your fucking lies. I'll bet you can't even tell which stories are true anymore. The day I saw you lie right to your "friend" made me sick. You lied for no reason. You lied to someone that you called a friend for no reason. And it was a stupid pointless lie! I don't know how you live with yourself. I hate you for making me have hate. You are the only person in the world that I truly HATE. I hate, hate, hate you.

8. I wish that things would have been different between us. I know that we were too young. You and I really had something special, a special connection. I am mad at myself for letting our friendship go. You are an amazing person. It makes me sad that I am no longer in your life. We have had minimal contact over the last few years. I know that your life is going well and things are in order. I want to get to know you again, but I wont because I do not want to disrupt what you have. I have a feeling that I will never actually see or speak to you ever again. I hope you have a wonderful life.

9. I love you but I hate the things that you do to people. Just this evening I saw you do something shitty to someone that you care about. I don't understand how you don't see the wrong in the things that you do. They are wrong on all levels. Legally and morally being the big ones. You are a taker. That is all you will ever be. I wish that you weren't this way. I wish we could have the normal amazing relationship that we should have. I wonder if you know that I don't trust you to be alone in my house.

10. Someday you will be who you want to be. Stay focused. You can do it. I know you can.

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I love to take photographs.
2. My two favorite things are Alara and ice cream.
3. My favorite place in the world is Utah.
4. I hate #$%… You know who you are.
5. I love music and dancing.
6. I have a disease that makes me feel ugly.
7. I love the letter C.
8. My feet are always cold.
9. I love the outdoors.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. Don't try to control me.
2. Have a sense of humor.
3. Make time to talk with me.
4. Accept that I am a veggie lover.
5. Don’t be afraid of trying new things.
6. Cook me dinner.
7. Be thoughtful, it's the little things that count.
8. Be completely comfortable just laying around sometimes.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:

1. How am I gonna get some more money.
2. I wish I was outside.
3. CCCC.
4. Alara
5. I wonder if there are germs on my hands.
6. I hope nothing bad is happening at work.
7. I need chocolate.

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. Got married so young.
2. Married the wrong guy.
3. Let a good friend go.
4. Let a guy control my life.
5. Started smoking.
6. Lying about my disease for so long.

Five Turn Offs:

1. Bad hygiene
2. Invading my personal space.
3. Being uptight.
4. Being lazy
5. Arrogance.

Four Turn Ons:

1. Charm
2. Great smile.
3. Stories to share.
4. Bedroom eyes.

Three Words That Describe Your Life:

1. Hectic
2. Adventurous
3. Incomplete

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. See the world.
2. Make a difference.

One Belief:

1. Life is what you make it.